Tuesday, January 22, 2008


It's now or never!

I've been facing this dilemma for the past 6 years and yet I'm still not decided. Along the way I chose paths I thought I want, I thought I will stick with, but 'till now I'm struggling with myself. I want a clean thought on what I want to do with my life. I want a goal. It's so hard to set one if you have fear and doubt. I have many of those, believe me. Back then I know what I really like but alongside that I know what I need to do. I was so busy planning my future that I quickly forgot what I really wanted, my passion. I chose paths that I think was right, until now it is, for everyone. But for me? I'n not really sure. I have to decide as soon as possible. I'm twenty three years old and time won't halt for me. I must act now! The goddam' time is running out!

My problem is still the future, I want to be fulfilled.

Here's the thing, I wanna do something really bad that if i fail to do it this lifetime it means that I missed a very big part of my life - my fulfillment. Before this crisis I have a definite path. I didn't saw life like this before. I thought that it is as simple as living each day as it is. But now the word and concept of being fulfilled became big suddenly. Maybe because of my past and current experiences, it kinda' molded my visions. I have a wide variety of options but I'm so incapable of deciding firmly 'coz I don't want to fail. If I choose to follow my current path I'm afraid I could not follow my ultimate dream or even close. At the same time I'm so afraid pursuing a dream that doesn't guarantee a bright future but fulfillment alone. I know want I want but I worry 'coz my family probably don't.

In these trying times, I can only dream and fulfill a better life. This is the only option. But how about my dream, my personal fulfillment, how about me? Should I shake it off again and worry about it some other time? Success is so near but will I be happy?

God, am I so self centered right now?

I feel that I should repay all the people that helped me lay a brighter future for myself and for them as well. I know I have to get them out of the shit we are in right now, but can't I do that while reaching for my dream? So basically I'm torn with my decisions about my future, the present, what I have, What we don't have, and the fututre that I want and the better future for us. I know I must act now. I can't sit herewaiting for it to happen! I kow it's stupid to be feeling this right now, I should have known what to do years ago and pursue it. I should have done that, but to regret is stupid as well.

Right now I'm trying to intertwine my options, needs and wants and see what it can turn into. I really do hope this works for me and for everybody. This time I must be firm and act to get what I really love - fulfillment in life.

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