STATUS: I Love You Goodbye

Wish I could be the one
The one who could give you love
The kind of love you really need
Wish I could say to you
That I'll always stay with you
But baby that's not me
You need someone willing to give their heart and soul to you
Promise you forever, baby that's something I can't do
Oh I could say that I'll be all you need
But that would be a lie
I know I'd only hurt you
I know I'd only make you cry
I'm not the one you're needing
I love you, goodbye

I hope someday you can
Find some way to understand
I'm only doing this for you
I don't really wanna go
But deep in my heart I know, this is the kindest thing to do
You'll find someone who'll be the one that I could never be
Who'll give you something better, than the love you'll find with me
Oh I could say that I'll be all you need
But that would be a crime
I know I'd only hurt you
I know I'd only make you cry
I'm not the one you're needing
I love you, goodbye

Leaving someone when you love someone
Is the hardest thing to do
When you love someone as much as I love you

Oh I don't wanna leave you
Baby it tears me up inside
But I'll never be the one you're needing
I love you, goodbye

Baby, its never gonna work out
I love you, goodbye

....that's it.

(I love you goodbye written by Dianne Warren)

Mama Techie!

Even if I don't admit it, my mother knows we intend to have a desktop pc not because it is fairly needed in my brother's schooling, initially for online gaming, Cabal it is!

Me and my brother Erick used to go to a nearby internet cafe just to play Cabal for roughly 4 hours a day but those days are gone! We would now play full-shift with decking! hehe. Mama would always tell us to stop playing since we're just adding up to our household energy consumption and playing that game doesn't mean anyhting, according to her. She just doesn't understand, I told her it's a hobby and sometimes a stress reliever! Furthermore, she haven't tried playing any game so she really won't understand!

True enough!

True enough! Ever since she created her Facebook account she's been adictted to Farmville, Farmtown, Cafe World, Sorority Life, Fish World and Happy Aquarium. haha. And she's denying that shes really into these now! I only have Mafia Wars and Cafe World mama! I told my mom, "Now you know!" hehe.






And she's caught red handed! She'll definitely kill me if she sees this! hahaha! Peace!

'09 Wishlist....

I so love to have this cellphone by Sony Ericsson. 5MP camera, large display and 3G capability, all I could ask for in a camera phone.

Sony Ericsson C903

Who wouldn't want to have iPod Touch. WiFi capability is it's best feature!

iPod Touch by Apple

Another must have! An SLR with video capability! It is expensive though...

Nikon SLR D60

These beautiful black watches from Technomarine Geneve are classic!

Technomarine Geneve UF6 Magnum

Technomarine Geneve BlackWatch

Lastly, the most expensive of them all, from Sony Style limited edition VAIO signature collection the Champagne Gold VAIO, which is by the way sold out.

Champagne Gold VAIO SR490 by Sony

This only a wishlist! But if you want to send me these it is fine with me. I'll gladly accept it! haha

T/C Complicated Feelings

Sometimes I think I don't love you
that maybe I'm just jealous of you
that I just like you
like everyone else
I just admire what you are
and who you are
how you walk
how you talk
the way you do things
the way you look at things
maybe it's cool to be you
to feel how lucky you are
to be you

Or maybe I just want to be with you
to be in my life
to be yours
to walk with
to talk with
to do things lovers do
look over things under the same horizon
with your warmth
I am lucky
To be your one.

Then again, I just might be wrong with my feelings.

I Committed A Crime

I committed a crime, a love that's forbidden. I already fell before I even knew it. Though I tried to fight it, fake it, joke it out, it's too deep.

It doesn't matter if it's not us, I don't care what they say, you don't even have to love me. All I really want is a shared moment, with that I'm happy.

It hurts at times, but these are all my doings. Who am I to complain? I indulged myself with petty moments and magnify it to grandiose fantasy. Isn't that just crazy?

One thing is for sure, I have to keep myself together before I lose control and breach my limit that'll eventually break our ties.

That would be a nightmare.

Mesmerized, Stunned, Immobile.

I'm contented seeing your shadow carve the matted walls.
As the lights flickers, your shadow changes, my eyes re-directs.
I know that you sensed my gaze but you just look to the nothingness of the empty room.

Again, I was mesmerized, stunned, immobile.

I fell in a dug-out.

I fell in the grave I myself shovelled.

without notice i just suddenly, accidentally, stepped onto it.

I thought I wasn't digging deep enough to even engulf half of me, I wasn't even trying.

But the hell it happened!

Darkness blinded me as I dugged out, but then I realized, I'm trapped.

I tried to surface the earth and cry for help, but I thought, I will be saved but the dug-out will be re-soiled, covered, not open, gapped.

That would mean tragedy, since the single soul who delivers the light that ignites my joy could re-coil and shy away in fear and disomfort or disgust.

Levelled actions fuels the virginity of our frat, without malice, pure and simple, no hang-ups and attatchements.

No more, hopefully no less.

So I'll stay in, it musn't hurt, I shouldn't die, I couldn't!

There's no reason at all!

I'll be steady and balanced, controlled and composed.

Then spell out my tantric mantra, 'hope for a possibility, not for a silly dream.'

my holy week prep...

While I was looking at my cellphone's calendar this morning I thought, "I can't wait for Thursday!" Tomorrow is Monday, Cathlab is closed because it's a holiday (Araw ng Kagitingan) so no work for us! Yahoo! But a lot of time for my mind to wander and think, deep. I hate thinking too deep, I have to do something or I should be somewhere. haha! Tuesday and Wednesday is a regular working day for all Cathlab staff this week, the family is complete, kind of looking forward for this as well. Then come Maundy Thursday and Good Friday, holidays! No work and of course no pay. Saturday was declared by our OIC as the whole staff's off this week to compliment the Sunday regular off, thus no work for four consecutive days equals VACATION! The same people from the Anawangin getaway, including me, thought to have another unforgettable experience. Some of our options are Mt. Pulag (Benguet/ Nueva Ecija), Sagada, Cinco Picos (Subic), Gulugod Baboy (Anilao , Batangas) and Pagudpod but after careful calculation of budget and pros and cons we opted for Nagsasa Cove, Zambales, much like Anawangin, where Aetas still resides. Earlier this morning Me and ma'am Chase were planning about this trip, there were eight of us coming, Me, Chase, Welmar, Fhiley, Mitch and her son Matt, MJ and Jon. Chase took liberty of polishing the itinerary, tomorrow we'll take care of bus reservations and the boats. While going on, thru text, with what to eat during our two days and one night stay at the cove a whirlwind of serious emotions flooded about heartaches and false hopes. The next thing you know we where beaming emo quotes. Mga Emotero't Emotera! hehe! Here are some of my quotes:

"True love doesn't have a happy ending, true love never ends." - I think I've read this somewhere.

"When I was younger I was so excited to be in-love, then it came. Now, all I know is I'm afraid to fall."

"Love hurts, it pierces us so deep that as we dug to see how far it scarred our heart we realizes one thing, it changed us."

"Though oftentimes love is hurtful, it is the only thing in this world that doesn't seem to exist but gives life to our very soul."

"Sometimes we ask what have we done wrong to feel this sadness. Most of the time we just did something right, sacrifice."

There it goes and we settled for two kilos of CHICKEN adobo for our breakfast 'coz we'll be taking the early morning trip from Caloocan! Whew! I'll start jotting down all the things that I'll need so I won't cram on Thursday. But wait, where's my board shorts?

The Many Facets of Anawangin Cove

For a very long time I have been wanting to experience a getaway, I've never been to Boracay nor to Puerto Galera but I think I already found the perfect one, Anawangin cove.

Several of my co-staffs from St. Luke's are fond of climbing mountains, trekking and nature tripping, and so i've heard stories of a plan to trek then lay on the sands afterwards. I thought, that would be nice! I definitely want to come.

It was the 22nd day of November of 2008, Saturday, 2:30 PM, Charisse, Welmar and MJ were already there at the cove since they left Friday night for a night trek. I was supposed to go with them but my schedule won't permit. We, I, Laine, Jhim, Fhiley, Rizza, Mitch and her son left Caloocan in bus to San Antonio, Zambales. It was a long ride, if I can still remember I think the fare was 235 PhP. It was a good 4-hour trip or so. Upon arriving at San Antonio proper (the town is flanked with a row of 2-storey establishments and a long road island). There we took a tricycle ride, 30 Php each to Brgy. Pundaquit. Pundaquit is the jump-off for mountaineers if they are going to traverse Mt. Pundaquit/ Mt. Anawangin to Anawangin cove. But in our case, a traverse is not feasible even with a guide since only Jhim is experienced. Safety first! At Pundaquit we hopped onto a pumpboat to the cove. The night is so dark, the sea is damn calm, the the air is icy cold. Moreover, as we ride the waters, crystal splashes gleam underneath the moon's light, definitely enchanting. It is around 9PM, all I can see are the night shadows casted over the dark desert. Momentarily, we were silenced. Then after like 20 minutes of nothingess we had a glimpse of mini chards towards our route, this should be the cove. I don't know what to say since I can't picture out the view since it is so dark. We can hear people jamming on the sands as we hopped out of the pump boats, some of them are already tipsy. Now the problem is, where are our friends who are supposed to be somewhere along the shoreline and by the stars guidance I think it's a few kilometers long. Good thing the boat guys knows where they are. Upon reaching our camp the bonfire were already set, as well as the grillery. We immediatelly pitched our tents, lucky for me I don't have to pitch any since I don't have a tent but where will I sleep? Anyways, we had our group dinner under the starry skies then we went near the seashore and laid on the sands to feel the evening glory of the cool wind and strong waves. Nearby, are our fellow backpackes who were already having fun courtesy of alcohol. Will a night pass without one? We drank but we wern't drunk that night, but I felt exhaustion, maybe because of the long trip. I laid on a bamboo seat as my eyes shut. I was told that there is an empty tent at the end of our campsite, though I'm so tired to walk, I did. I went inside that tent and slept my worries away.

The next morning, November 23rd, I was very surprised with what I saw upon waking up! This is what they were talking about, the beauty of Anawangin cove! The sun rose on the leftmost part of the cove (facing the sea) and it illuminated the rightmost part of the grassland terrain. Stunning, since it reflected an orange vibrancy that will surely amuse you. I couldn't help but to capture the moment. (see the video)

But I have to pass on feeling the entire moment since I'm sure that the beauty won't go anyways, better have breakfast first to enjoy, scout and own the cove. We had a full breakfast for energy. Afterwards, we walked to the leftmost part of the cove, we passed by a body of water that we thought at that time were a mini-lake, then after a long stretch of shoreline is a breakwater, a connection between a sea and a river. There we had our pictorial! And man, talk about privacy, we were the only people there, we can all die at once and no one will know, of course only after we decay. Kidding aside, the view was still stunning, I sat on a rock to have my pictures taken. Beauty. Then after getting tired of picture taking we went uphill to get a greater view of the cove. It was a 10 minute trek from the breakwater. It wasn't so steep so it is kind of easy to climb. Upon reaching the mini-summit i whispered, "Magnificent." And it's true!

After the trek we went went to to the lake-like river bend. I felt an eerieness at first since it was like not flowing and there were tall trees everywhere but we had fun since we laughed on how we are going to cross the algae-rich waters, there might be a frog lurking somewhere beneath the freshwater! Aye! Afterwards ,we went back to our campsite to have our lunch. Come afternoon... Siyesta! But... there's still more! We haven't seen the rightmost part of the cove and it is inviting because the thin Agoho trees are planted in line across the shoreline, almost in a very straight line and in rows! What's more inviting is the rocky side of the mountain where you can climb to see the left side of the cove. Me and my bestfriend Ellaine stayed in a very big rock to get a tan while eyeing our friends as they swam on the leftmost part of the cove. After an hour or so of photo op we went back to the leftmost side of the cove to have a dip on the shallow seashore as the other group climbed the mini-summit. There were little fishes and jellyfishes on the shore. The waves are just right, not strong, not placid.

After discovering so much of Anawangin, we had to go. It is almost 5 in the afternoon, the pumpboats are at the shoreline and we can't leave when the darkness falls, anyways most of the tourists have left the cove earlier than us. After packing all our stuffs we had our pictures taken first the the lined Agoho trees. The trip back to Brgy. Pundaquit is equally stunning. We saw islands that pokes out of the mid-sea and whole part of the shoreline between Anawangin cove ant Pundaquit Beach. It was such a nice getaway that I forgot how did we went on after the boat ride, how was the trip back home... but what I know is that it wasn't the last.

True enough we went back to Anawangin January this year (with Charisse, Welmar, Benjo, Che, Cocoy, Julius, Kiko, Fhiley, Dr. N. Cruz and his men). This time we did a mountain traverse from Brgy. Pundaquit to Anawangin cove (see similar post It's been a while...). The trek was kind of hard for me because it was my first time and furthermore it started at night. The trail is not consistent in a way, it went up, then down, bamboo trees, other small trees and bushes are all over and are literally in the way. Rocks are everywhere. I tripped so many times. Then comes the dry rivers where we have to pass MASSIVE rock formations. There was a moment I had with my buddy Fhiley wherein we can almost see the summit but we can't climb no more, we were super exhausted. Our O2 saturations are depleted. But together we stepped up like a baby! Upon reaching the summit, just in time for the sunrise, the stress were all gone! Stunning view from above! I can almost smell the sea breeze! But what caught my attention is the pyramid like land formation just before the cove, beyond the forest. The guide told us that it was manmade since the area was a farm back then for Tamaraws. We had our breakfast on the summit before completing the traverse down to the cove. Just an insider, the summit where we laid upon wasn't really the true summit, it is way up on the left if your facing the cove. Some of the group went there, except me, I'm too tired. Anyways we went down and it was scorching hot! It was the same trail, rocky, but the difference is it's now going down. Relatively, going down would be much faster but as time goes by all I could think of is that I'm going to lay on the sands of Anawangin and sleep the bodyache away. I'm getting tired and bored of the trek. But along the trek we passed by another dry river, this stip does have truly MASSIVE rocks. the guid etold us that during rainy season a rapid stream of water rages the river bend and may tourists lives were claimed by passing the angry stream. Luckily, it's January. We continued the trek and an hour after the beach welcomed us.

Still, I'm mesmerized by the beauty of nature, privacy and enchantment that Anawangin Cove offered us the first time.

Here are the albums of our Anawangin getaways:
Anawangin Cove (November 2008)

Anawangin Traverse (January 2000)

Sunday night drama

I worship your beauty, and you know it.

But you don't see me.

If my existence would mean to feed your ego, then I'm glad to be of service.

-emo-masochistic anonymous

It's been a while... (Anawangin Cove)

It's been a while since i blogged my life. I missed it. As I've said on my last post I kind of found it hard to find time and sometimes if I had to do a full feature I have to give my full effort.

It's around 12NN now and I'm super bored, it's my off today and I really can't think of anything to do. I don't want to go out in this kind of weather, sunny humid shit. You'd be smelling like a cow in minutes of standing under the direct heat of the freaking sun.

Well anyways, what have I been doing? I'm working as a cathlab nurse in St. Luke's Medical Center as of now. Why can't I write alongside career? I can actually but the previous months have been tough, slight change of lifestyle and routine. One can say a 360 degree turn.

It started when I was still working as a customer support representative, I was invited by my friend Abi to a 'despedida' party organized by the cathlab personnel St. Luke's. There I knew about this 'cathlab thing' and got super interested and applied for a vacant position immediately on a working day. This was around October and the formal training was started September, we were 6 then (with my bestfriend Ellaine). It was a three month training of hardwork and perseverance. On our third month a 7th wheel came, Ms. Pey. They only got to pick a handful from the 7 of us by the end of 2008. Luckily I got in, and my bestfriend as well, good job eh? I'm deployed here in Quezon City and she'll be at The Fort. Now we'll just have to prove our worth as professionals.

Alongside this are our side trips. I was opened to a door of new horizon that didn't even count as an interest in my 23 years of existence, mountaineering. I'm so engrossed with urban life and yes I do advocate the preservation of our forest and the like but experiencing the nature in a different way was really a new thing for me, I GOT SUPER EXCITED!

Mt. Anawangin devirginized me. We, some of the cathlab staff, actually went there November last year but only to the cove by boat not by mountain traverse. So it was basically an outing the first time. But January this year I really want to try it big time, "I'm going to climb a mountain!" And I did, and it was dead hard! There was actually a time in the middle of the climb when I thought that 'this is crazy, this is indeed down right crazy, and I can't believe this is really happening', good thing with our pack is our beloved Dr. Nick who's already around 50. Why? Because despite of his youthful strength and disposition, he's a newbie as well, like me. So every time he pauses for a break I could not help but clap, I don't want 'the delay' come from a 24 year old who seems to be fit, from me! Upon reaching the summit it was majestic. All is worth! Now the only thing I have to do is go down to the cove, it was seductively inviting but it's too far and it's scorching hot. The trek going down is fast but dangerous and 'dunged' by the stowaway tamaraws. hehe

For the second time I was captivated by the cove, I was again mesmerized by the different facets of it, the lush greens of the pine trees, the rocky side of the beach, the smooth side of it, and the breakwater part.

These were some of our pictures, courtesy of Dr. Nick. The last two are mine.


Truly a breakaway from stress. Next stop would be Mt. Pinatubo. Next blog I'll probably write my full account of Anawangin.

Back to reality. Reality isn't that nice but we have to live it. It's a balance.

These were the highlights of my life these past few months, alongside this is an inspiration that I held onto. Without it some part won't be bearable.

By the way, just a little story, I'm almost 38,000 PHP poorer. In my line of work I can't make any mistakes because everything is important. I was mistakenly given a go signal to open a 14K sterile item which won't be needed. Then just yesterday a housekeeper crumpled and disposed two items, 12K each, under my custody. Brilliant! I'm just new and I have these under my badge!

A lesson for me, a lesson for us.

Oh another one, last weekend I watched "You Changed My Life" twice, Saturday and Sunday at Robinson's Galleria! Just like Sarah and John Lloyd's 1st team up "A Very Special Love" which I watched twice as well. hehe, bentang-benta!