T/C Complicated Feelings

Sometimes I think I don't love you
that maybe I'm just jealous of you
that I just like you
like everyone else
I just admire what you are
and who you are
how you walk
how you talk
the way you do things
the way you look at things
maybe it's cool to be you
to feel how lucky you are
to be you

Or maybe I just want to be with you
to be in my life
to be yours
to walk with
to talk with
to do things lovers do
look over things under the same horizon
with your warmth
I am lucky
To be your one.

Then again, I just might be wrong with my feelings.

I Committed A Crime

I committed a crime, a love that's forbidden. I already fell before I even knew it. Though I tried to fight it, fake it, joke it out, it's too deep.

It doesn't matter if it's not us, I don't care what they say, you don't even have to love me. All I really want is a shared moment, with that I'm happy.

It hurts at times, but these are all my doings. Who am I to complain? I indulged myself with petty moments and magnify it to grandiose fantasy. Isn't that just crazy?

One thing is for sure, I have to keep myself together before I lose control and breach my limit that'll eventually break our ties.

That would be a nightmare.

Mesmerized, Stunned, Immobile.

I'm contented seeing your shadow carve the matted walls.
As the lights flickers, your shadow changes, my eyes re-directs.
I know that you sensed my gaze but you just look to the nothingness of the empty room.

Again, I was mesmerized, stunned, immobile.

I fell in a dug-out.

I fell in the grave I myself shovelled.

without notice i just suddenly, accidentally, stepped onto it.

I thought I wasn't digging deep enough to even engulf half of me, I wasn't even trying.

But the hell it happened!

Darkness blinded me as I dugged out, but then I realized, I'm trapped.

I tried to surface the earth and cry for help, but I thought, I will be saved but the dug-out will be re-soiled, covered, not open, gapped.

That would mean tragedy, since the single soul who delivers the light that ignites my joy could re-coil and shy away in fear and disomfort or disgust.

Levelled actions fuels the virginity of our frat, without malice, pure and simple, no hang-ups and attatchements.

No more, hopefully no less.

So I'll stay in, it musn't hurt, I shouldn't die, I couldn't!

There's no reason at all!

I'll be steady and balanced, controlled and composed.

Then spell out my tantric mantra, 'hope for a possibility, not for a silly dream.'

my holy week prep...

While I was looking at my cellphone's calendar this morning I thought, "I can't wait for Thursday!" Tomorrow is Monday, Cathlab is closed because it's a holiday (Araw ng Kagitingan) so no work for us! Yahoo! But a lot of time for my mind to wander and think, deep. I hate thinking too deep, I have to do something or I should be somewhere. haha! Tuesday and Wednesday is a regular working day for all Cathlab staff this week, the family is complete, kind of looking forward for this as well. Then come Maundy Thursday and Good Friday, holidays! No work and of course no pay. Saturday was declared by our OIC as the whole staff's off this week to compliment the Sunday regular off, thus no work for four consecutive days equals VACATION! The same people from the Anawangin getaway, including me, thought to have another unforgettable experience. Some of our options are Mt. Pulag (Benguet/ Nueva Ecija), Sagada, Cinco Picos (Subic), Gulugod Baboy (Anilao , Batangas) and Pagudpod but after careful calculation of budget and pros and cons we opted for Nagsasa Cove, Zambales, much like Anawangin, where Aetas still resides. Earlier this morning Me and ma'am Chase were planning about this trip, there were eight of us coming, Me, Chase, Welmar, Fhiley, Mitch and her son Matt, MJ and Jon. Chase took liberty of polishing the itinerary, tomorrow we'll take care of bus reservations and the boats. While going on, thru text, with what to eat during our two days and one night stay at the cove a whirlwind of serious emotions flooded about heartaches and false hopes. The next thing you know we where beaming emo quotes. Mga Emotero't Emotera! hehe! Here are some of my quotes:

"True love doesn't have a happy ending, true love never ends." - I think I've read this somewhere.

"When I was younger I was so excited to be in-love, then it came. Now, all I know is I'm afraid to fall."

"Love hurts, it pierces us so deep that as we dug to see how far it scarred our heart we realizes one thing, it changed us."

"Though oftentimes love is hurtful, it is the only thing in this world that doesn't seem to exist but gives life to our very soul."

"Sometimes we ask what have we done wrong to feel this sadness. Most of the time we just did something right, sacrifice."

There it goes and we settled for two kilos of CHICKEN adobo for our breakfast 'coz we'll be taking the early morning trip from Caloocan! Whew! I'll start jotting down all the things that I'll need so I won't cram on Thursday. But wait, where's my board shorts?